The 2024 Academy Awards are here and while they will spark a lot of debate about who should/will win, Oppenheimer is on a path of award-show destruction that will leave a trail of film canisters in its wake. That movie will win at least a half-dozen awards, no fewer than three major awards, and might push to double-digit wins. It is going to steamroll the competition, and there will be no mercy.
To make things a bit more exciting, here are some alternative awards to hand out. It is a chance to highlight very good-to-excellent movies that either won’t get much shine at the Oscars, or none at all. Most of the movies are the types frequently overlooked at the Academy Awards like action and horror, but there are movies from all genres included.
** Spoiler Warning. An effort will be made to avoid spoiling too much of the movies, but considering there’s one specific award for movie endings, it will be hard not to spoil significant plot points from many different entries. This is a fair warning for anyone that did not see a lot of offerings from 2023. **
Now that everyone has been properly warned, let’s get to this year’s alternative Oscar awards and highlight some really cool shit. The attached clips will include a lot of violence and gore, so maybe don’t watch them with your three-year-old looking over your shoulder. Or do, who am I to tell you how to parent.
‘Trust Me’ Award for Best Set Piece
Which movie did the best pulling together its actors, its stunt actors, and its director, and made for thrilling action, tense drama, or repulsive horror? Well, here we are.
Nominees:
Mission: Impossible Dead Reckoning Part One – Train Escape Sequence
The complaints I saw about how this played out was that it played very closely to a sequence in the video game ‘Uncharted 2’. You can look at the scene from the game here:
And, yeah, there are a lot of similarities. The sequence from the movie is also on YouTube:
There are differences – there are two people escaping instead of one and the movie plays a bit more into the comedic side – but the complaints aren’t unwarranted. To the complaints: I really don’t care. This scene rocked when seeing it in theatre and it was something I had never seen in a movie before. Did it get pulled directly from a video game? Probably. Did it also fucking rule? Definitely.
John Wick 4 – Dragon’s Breath Scene
Most of this category can be put in the ‘I have never seen that before’ column, and the apartment sequence in John Wick 4 that uses the incendiary shells also qualifies.
In this scene, Wick is making his way through an apartment building, and it’s shot by director Chad Stahelski as if it’s one long tracking shot (it’s really not but it plays that aspect well). However, unlike most tracking shots we may be familiar with from, say, ‘Game of Thrones’, this one is shot overhead like a video game, giving the audience an omniscient view of what’s ahead and behind as Keanu Reeves makes his way through the apartment. There are also exploding shells that set guys one fire, so that doesn’t hurt:
This will not be the last time John Wick 4 appears in this article, but in a movie filled with incredible set pieces, this one stood out.
Saw X – Bone Marrow Kill
Somehow, the 10th ‘Saw’ movie was not only released in 2023, but also might be the best one since the first one. That is up to the individual, but this entry was very well done.
Of course, a Saw movie is not a Saw movie without some gruesome kills. Having seen so many horror and action movies at this point of my life, there’s not a whole lot that makes me feel uncomfortable sitting in my chair, but the first woman to die in Jigsaw’s trap is in the following situation:
- Tied to a bench with her hands free but unable to escape (of course)
- A wire saw about six inches from her neck
- Another wire saw next to her right hand
- A tube connected to bottle connected to a scale
In short, this trapped woman has to saw her own leg clean off through the femur, stick the tube into her bone marrow, and collect enough bone marrow to tip the scale far enough to shut the machine off, preventing her decapitation. It is on YouTube, but a fair warning, this is beyond gruesome:
Again, at this point of my movie-watching life, not a whole lot makes me squeamish, but this is a scene that had me muttering, “holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck” under my breath. That is a job well done.
Napoleon – Battle of Austerlitz
How good a movie ‘Napoleon’ is will vary wildly from person to person, but one thing cannot be taken away: The Battle of Austerlitz is absolutely magnificent. It looks great on screen, it’s well-choreographed, it uses as many practical effects as possible (for some reason it’s illegal to shoot cannon balls at people riding on horses; we used to be a country), and it’s frenetic as all hell. We won’t link the entire scene, but this should whet the appetite:
Oh yeah, Ridley Scott was cooking with this one. Was he cooking with the non-set piece scenes? Well, who cares because this battle was incredible.
Ferrari – Mille Miglia Race
While it’s interspersed with in-between character scenes from those not actually in the race itself, this plays out as one very long sequence and it’s phenomenal. There is only so much that can be done without CGI, and some of that does detract, but they use as many practical sets as possible, they use stunt people in the crowds to ensure there are actual crowds lining the race and not computer-generated crowds, and the finish is something that literally made me stop breathing for about eight seconds. The entire race isn’t on YouTube, but there is a featurette of how it was made, and it’s very well done:
This won’t be the last time ‘Ferrari’ is listed, either.
And The Winner Is… The Dragon’s Breath sequence from John Wick 4.
There was a lot of cool shit that happened in movies this year, and a lot of sequences that really grabbed your attention for minutes on end, but this was something else. It combined great directing with great choreography, the incendiary shells add a lot of flash (quite literally), and it is a scene that will be remembered for a long, long time from a movie with a few scenes that will be remembered for a long, long time.
‘I Know Kung-Fu’ Award for Best Fight Sequence
Best Fight Sequence differs from Best Set Piece in this way: a lot of the combat is hand-to-hand rather than at the end of the barrel of a gun. It’s the difference between the fight between Neo and Morpheus from The Matrix and the lobby scene with Neo and Trinity in the same movie. Clear? Great.
Nominees:
Kill Boksoon – Kitchen Fight
If there’s one thing that can elevate any fight scene, it’s when the protagonist uses their surroundings to their advantage. A kitchen? Oh buddy, there are lots of things in a kitchen that can kill you. The full sequence isn’t on YouTube, but this is a good snippet, and Jeon Do-yeon is working these clowns:
That her daughter is trying to call her during the scene adds a bit of levity, and the whole thing was very well done.
Ballerina – Convenience Store Fight
Any good action movie has to make us believe that the main character is someone who is a bad ass that can easily handle opponents that think they’re tough. The opening scene from Ballerina involves our hero wrecking a convenience store, and the attackers in that store, with a can of pineapples:
That, right there, is the good stuff.
John Wick 4 – Sacré-Coeur
For our second entry from John Wick 4, it’s a scene that will probably get the most recognition in years to come as a perfect example of how to not only create a phenomenal action sequence, but have that sequence serve as an important plot point for both the movie and the character’s development. For readers that haven’t seen it, just go watch the movie. Here is the first half of that sequence, though:
Again, if you like action movies and haven’t seen this one, rectify that immediately.
Sisu – Plane Fight
In a movie that is more about its set pieces than actual fight scenes, the fight at the end of the movie stands out for a number of reasons. First and foremost is just how he got on the goddamn plane to begin with (it’s one of those ‘if you know, you know’ things), but it’s really just how beat to shit our main character is and he still fights back.
Is it over the top? Yes. Does it kick ass? Also, yes.
No Hard Feelings – Beach Fight
While not a great hand-to-hand fight scene, obviously, the beach fight from the rom-com No Hard Feelings is absolutely one of those ‘oh man I’ve never seen that before’-type scenes. Not only do a bunch of people get the piss beat out of them, but it’s by a buck-naked main character who, at times, is using beach-related toys to beat up the dickheads trying to steal her clothes. Of course, with all the nudity, there’s no clip to share, but suffice to say that it’s a scene that stands out from many others in 2023 for more than one reason.
And The Winnger Is… John Wick 4 – Sacré-Coeur
Not sure if any explanation is necessary as to why this takes home our award, though there were many worthy nominations.
‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ Award for Most Gonzo Movie
Quite often, the most entertaining movies are the ones that know exactly how ridiculous they are and lean into that so hard they almost tip over. Pushing the boundaries of ridiculousness is a fine line to walk, but when it’s walked appropriately, the product is a movie that we’ll return to over and over late on Saturday nights after nine Molson Canadians.
Nominees:
Sisu (Streaming on Prime and Apple)
A revenge movie.
A revenge movie against Nazis set at the end of World War II.
A revenge movie against Nazis set at the end of World War II where the main character is a Finnish gold prospector.
A revenge movie against Nazis set at the end of World War II where the main character is a Finnish gold prospector who used to be a commando from the war between Finland and the Soviet Union and went on a legendary killing spree after his own family was murdered.
How about all that and then things get over-the-top? Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds. A YouTuber was kind enough to clip nine minutes of a bunch of wild stuff that happens in this movie:
I really recommend watching the whole thing. Those nine minutes are awesome and still cannot do the whole thing justice.
Mad Heidi (Streaming on Prime)
Have you ever wanted to see a Swiss movie where Switzerland is a narco-fascist state only instead of producing and selling drugs, they produce and sell cheese, and a woman’s boyfriend is killed, and she goes on a bloody, murderous revenge tour? If the answer is yes then boy are you in luck.
That is just the trailer because this movie, and a particular scene, will be featured later, but it is so much fun.
Cocaine Bear (Streaming on Prime)
A full-grown American black bear cannot stop doing cocaine and killing people in gruesome ways. Sometimes, a premise just works, you know? A lot of scenes stand out, but the ambulance chase is near the top of the list:
That, my friends, is the good stuff.
Saltburn (Streaming on Prime)
The three movies already mentioned are completely ridiculous, but Saltburn is a bit more serious, even if there are a lot of comedic scenes and undertones. Regardless, there are a number of truly W T F moments in this movie, not the least is the lead character having sex with dirt:
Lots of people say “fuck the world” but few people actually follow through with it. Points for dedication to the bit.
They Cloned Tyone (Streaming on Netflix)
This probably doesn’t make the cut if not for Jamie Foxx’s character, but his character steals the movie, and it fits the ‘gonzo’ theme not only for an outlandish premise, but for outlandish characters and scenes. Remember in ‘The Usual Suspects’ when Chazz Palmentieri’s character drops the coffee mug when he starts piecing it all together? How about Foxx’s character doing the same, but it’s with fried chicken:
It is very ridiculous with a bit of poignancy. That is what makes the whole movie so good.
And The Winner Is… Mad Heidi.
Maybe it’s because I just stumbled onto it, having never heard of it before, but it’s the perfect encapsulation of how I want to spend 90 minutes while just zoning out. It was crowd-funded and low-budget, which makes it even better. Full marks for Mad Heidi.
Bohemian Rhapsody Award for Best Use of A Song
The right song at the right time can really make a scene, or sometimes an entire movie. Needle drops are getting a little overplayed – we really need to slow down on how much Beastie Boys we get in movies these days – but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of superb use of well-known songs in 2023.
Nominees:
A Tribe Called Quest – Can I Kick It? (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem)
In a movie filled with solid-to-great needle drops, ATCQ stands at the top of the pile for what serves as the outro. A great movie, a great group, and a great song all come together to get itself on this list.
50 Cent – P.I.M.P. Instrumental Version (Anatomy of a Fall)
Sitting in the theatre for this movie, I genuinely thought they put the wrong movie on. Knowing vaguely what the movie was about, I couldn’t understand why the instrumental version of a rap song from 20 years ago was playing very loudly at the start of a French courtroom drama. Believe me, it makes sense eventually, and it’s fucking incredible.
Rush – Tom Sawyer (Iron Claw)
Sometimes, I wonder how many people didn’t bother to see Iron Claw because it’s a movie based on pro wrestlers from the 1980s and 1990s. That is a mistake, because it’s one of the best movies of 2023, and it includes a training/wrestling montage featuring ‘Tom Sawyer’, which is about the most perfect mash-up imaginable:
Please see this movie whenever you can. It is very, very good, as is the use of this song at this point of the film.
Matchbox 20 – Push (Barbie)
Whatever feeling people may have on the movie itself (it’s very good), the use of this particular song at this particular moment made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes. It’s so good:
All the Kens playing the same fucking song sitting around a campfire? It’s incredible.
Avril Lavigne – Complicated (Bottoms)
What plays as, more or less, a breakup scene set to Avril Lavigne? Basically, it’s catnip for me.
And The Winner Is… P.I.M.P. inAnatomy of a Fall
Listen, it was a great year for needle drops but this wasn’t necessarily a needle drop. That the instrumental version of 50 Cent’s P.I.M.P is an integral part of a 150-minute French drama that is nominated for Best Picture at the real Academy Awards is one of those sentences that no one ever thought they’d write. And that is why it won my fake award.
‘Oh What A Lovely Day’ Award for Best Line
Great lines can be funny, sad, biting, tragic, heroic, cheesy, or a bunch of other descriptors, and often more than one of them. Remembering all those lines is a whole other matter, but here are five that really stood out in 2023.
Nominees:
He’s A Good Father – Joy Ride
For those that haven’t seen Joy Ride, it’s probably the funniest movie of 2023. In this particular scene, one woman is chastising her friend because she doesn’t hit on/have sex with Asian men. The following exchange was absolutely fucking priceless (apologies for the quality, I took it off my phone):
The immediate snap back of “HE’S A GOOD FATHER” is note-for-note perfect.
Friendship Means Little When It’s Convenient – John Wick 4
A much more serious line than the one above, a lot of the John Wick franchise revolves around the idea that Wick has friends all over the world that seem to owe him their loyalty for one reason or another. For some of those friends, it leads to their death. Hiroyuki Sanada delivers the line perfectly:
Another great moment from an incredible movie.
With All Due Respect, Brittany – American Fiction
For those that haven’t seen it, American Fiction stars Jeffrey Wright as a Black author and professor whose books are critically lauded but aren’t commercially successful. The introduction of the movie is him in his class with the n-word written out in full on the white board, and it leads to this perfect exchange with a White student:
One of the best movies of 2023 and it opens with an iconic line.
What Difference Does That Make – Mission: Impossible Dead Reckoning Part One
Listen, I’m a sucker for cheesy lines that land well because of who is delivering them and the context of the scene. In the latest Mission: Impossible movie, Tom Cruise’s character is trying to recruit Hayley Atwell’s character to their team, which is more a family than a squad of super spies. He makes that point crystal clear in this exchange:
Yes, it’s cheesy. It is also a heartfelt message that hopefully resonates with part of the audience because it’s a crucial life lesson.
Yodel Me This – Mad Heidi
Sometimes, it’s nice to be at home to watch a movie so you can rewind something you thought you heard or saw but aren’t quite sure. We have talked about Mad Heidi and how utterly insane it is, but a fascist soldier getting stabbed in the groin by a Swiss woman saying, “Yodel me this”? To me, this is cinema:
Again, I cannot recommend this movie enough.
And The Winner Is… Yodel Me This.
Sorry, I don’t care if few people have seen this movie. It is hard to imagine a better line to use when stabbing someone in the dick with a seven-foot halberd.
The Spinning Top Award for Best Ending
Movies can, quite often, be made or broken by their ending. A bad ending leaves a foul taste in the mouths of the audience, but sticking the landing is not easy. Here are the ones that did just that.
Nominees:
Past Lives
Years of watching rom-coms had me bracing for a happy ending. I suppose it depends on your reading of the movie and the ending itself, but this was crushing.
Silent Night
Sometimes, you can envision how a movie is going to finish but you cannot imagine that the director and producers will follow through with it. They absolutely followed through with it here.
Ferrari
You’ve either seen the end of this movie or you haven’t. Those who saw it in theatres: did it get pin-drop quiet in your theatre, too? Because I could have heard a mouse fart in mine.
BlackBerry
A common (and correct) complaint I see a lot is how a lot of things are slowly getting worse; cheaper consumer goods break faster, bare-bones internet services infrequently work, and so on. If you subscribe to that belief (and I do), the ending of BlackBerry is the perfect encapsulation of how this was allowed to happen.
The Zone of Interest
Mileage may vary on the movie itself, but the last five minutes of The Zone of Interest is gutting. It blends the descent to Hell for the main character with a dash of “how far have we actually come” for the audience very, very well.
And The Winner Is… Ferrari.
Listen, there were a lot of great endings to a lot of great movies from this year. Not only the ones listed but we could go two-dozen deep here. It isn’t often that I’m in a theatre with 50 people and you can hear them fumbling around with a popcorn bag, digging through a jacket, or making a comment to their friend and everyone immediately stops everything in shock at what’s happened on the screen.
Benoit Blanc Award for Absolutely Going For It
Sometimes, an acting performance can not only enhance a movie, but carry it. Also sometimes, there are people whose performance is not only great in an acting sense, but over-the-top in the best way. Here are some from all those categories.
Nominees:
Alice Lucy as Heidi (Mad Heidi)
This movie has appeared a few times already, so there’s not much introduction needed. Mad Heidi doesn’t work if the lead doesn’t play it quasi-straight with a ridiculous script as everything else around them is absurd.
Emma Stone as Bella (Poor Things)
Not only a great acting performance in and of itself, but so over-the-top that it comes all the way back around to appear normal in the settings of this particular cinematic experience. It is an acting performance that will be talked about for decades to come.
Bradley Cooper as Leonard Bernstein (Maestro)
This wasn’t a movie I particularly liked, but it’s a movie where Cooper carries the whole goddamn thing from start to finish. He is the biggest reason to ever see it, and other than some very well-shot scenes, he might be the only reason.
Jamie Foxx as Slick Charles (They Cloned Tyrone)
Every once in a while, an actor plays a role, and you think to yourself, “No one else could have pulled this off”. That is what Foxx does as Slick Charlies in a sci-fi movie about human cloning where he’s a street pimp. It is truly one of the best comedic performances of the last few years. The movie would still be very good without him, but his performance takes it to another level.
Iman Vellani as Kamala Khan (The Marvels)
Another superhero movie that wasn’t great but could have been had the fucking producers just left the creatives alone and let them make their own movie rather than edit it down to a sequence of cut-scenes rather than a coherent narrative, but I digress.
If there is a reason to see The Marvels, it’s Vellani taking the dial to ‘10’ in everything she does. Not only is she the heart of the movie, but she’s the comedic relief, and she does both exceptionally well.
And The Winner Is… Emma Stone as Bella
I meant it when I said it earlier: the performance from Stone in this movie is absurd, but also incredible, and it would not have worked anywhere near as well without her. Her deadpan comedy is arguably the funniest of the year, and it’s not really a comedy movie. The script helps, but she’s a supernova, and will go down in the pantheon of incredible acting performances of this century.
There we have it – our alternative Academy Awards have been handed out. Not everyone will like every movie on this list, agree with the winners, or even the nominees, but I think that also highlights just how great a year 2023 was for movies. The movies listed above don’t even include all the other fantastic entries like Oppenheimer, Godzilla Minus One, Across The Spider-Verse, How To Blow Up a Pipeline, Killers of the Flower Moon, Skinamarink, Thanksgiving, May December, Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 3, Asteroid City, The Burial, The Killer, or The Holdovers. While Stone’s performance in Poor Things is going to stand the test of time, the unbelievable run of movies we got in 2023 will do the same.
Cliffy's hell-hole 